As I sit here watching a seven-plus hour World Series Game between the Boston Red Sox and the Los Angeles Dodgers at 1:00 AM MST, I can’t help but think about how baseball has changed over the years and how it will change in the future. Not sure if you’ve heard, but baseball has some strange things going on nowadays. Now look, I’m the biggest baseball fan around – I mean, I watched all 162 games that the New York Yankees played this year (please disregard Mom and Dad, the job search is going swell).
But, and this is a hard but, and also a soft but at the same time: baseball is a lot different than it used to be. In today’s game, there are replay challenges that get looked at by some guy in some office in New York who must sleep on the job an awful lot considering it often takes ten minutes to make a call that fans at home figured out on the first replay. There aren’t any more aggressive styles of play or small ball tactics like safety squeeze bunts. No more collisions at the plate or strong slides to break up a double play.
Actually, I take that back because batters are a lot more aggressive; they either hit a home run or strike out. I haven’t seen a double in three seasons. At least it seems that way. And did I mention that the baseballs, not the players, are juiced up now so that they’ll fly farther? It’s hard to blame Major League hitters or the baseball juice scientists. Every pitcher throws the ball 100+ mph with ridiculous movement nowadays; hitters need all the help they can get. And as if the pitchers need more help, everything goes by the numbers now which means that infielders play the wrong positions to cut down on well placed singles.
So here’s the thing: if you think the new age baseball is weird and unattractive to young generations, just wait for what baseball is to become in the future. Take a look at the history of baseball with me and see if you can hop on board to the future of this brilliant sport.
Honestly, who cares? You don’t know any names, I don’t know any names. Hell, it was probably just a bunch of teenage boys beating up a homeless guy with a stick when someone suggested it might be a little more fun to use the stick to hit rocks at the guy. And WHAM! Baseball was begun. Sorry Abner Doubleday, consider me one of the doubters.
It was at this time that people actually started hitting the ball over the fence. And I present: the Caliph of Clout, the Sultan of Swat, the Great Bambino, Babe Ruth!!! Thanks Sandlot.
1936 – 1962:
World War II and the integration of black players spurned on by Jackie Robinson in 1947 ends a darker era of baseball history. Oh and also the Yankees won 16 out of 27 World Series Titles during this span thanks to the likes of Mickey Mantle, Joe Dimaggio and Roger Maris. I can hear the Red Sox fans right now: ‘Hey that was 50+ years ago, how many titles do the Yankees have in the past 15 years punk?’ Actually, I’d rather not talk about it.
1963 – 1994:
Honestly, I’m not quite sure what happened during this period. You see, I was born in 1994, so I couldn’t care less about the years before that glorious one. I do know the Yanks sucked for a while and then Mr. October, Reggie Jackson made history like only a Yankee can in 1977. Also, for some reason I’ve seen a lot of footage from this era. The picture is grainy, all the players are wearing capris and theres not one mustache-less face in the dugout.
1995 – 2017:
So the Yankees got good again. Oh, I’m sorry are you getting sick of hearing about them? Too bad. Jeter’s the man and he gets five rings for the Pinstripers. Also the Sox and Cubs break some curses or something, but who cares about that? Plus, home runs became an even bigger deal than they were with the Babe. Everyone was injecting each others butts and Jose Canseco was evil-y masterminding a maniacal tattle-telling book while the MLB was pretending they had no idea that everyone was doing steroids.
2018 – 2020
As mentioned, in today’s game we have nothing but K’s and HR’s, pitchers with Popeye arms who can’t pitch for more than one inning, 100 Sammy Sosa’s, and some drunk sleeping in a New York MLB office who’s passed out every time he gets a call.
2021 – 2025:
After the 2020 World Series is won by the wrong team when an umpire makes an atrociously bad call in Game 7, MLB decides to get rid of the human factor of umpires. Enter robots making every call in a game. In the first game with robot referees, an angry Cincinnati Reds fan (probably just angry that he’s from Cincinnati), throws a beer at the robots, which destroys his mainframe delaying the game for five hours before a replacement robot could be delivered. New rule from the MLB: no more alcohol in the stands.
2026 – 2035:
The alcohol rule turns out to be a terribly unpopular decision and the MLB quickly reverses course on that subject. As President Donald Trump Jr. (who has gotten plastic surgery to look just as orange and stupid as his father, not that he needed much help) continues to praise violence in the country, MLB adapts their rules to please their ruler. Whiffle ball rules are now effective in the game of baseball. What this means is that the defense can now get runners out by pelting them with the ball. Mass injuries and subsequent entertainment ensue.
2035 – 2050:
Baseball has again become the most popular sport in the US as the game ball is now replaced with a hand grenade. Baseball stadiums now have armed guards to make sure that no players or fans attempt to leave the stadium as President Trump Jr. looks on in approval, giving a thumbs up or down to a pitcher as to when he can pull the grenade’s pin – very Roman Emperor-esque and resulting in some very interesting and bloody foul balls and home runs.
So now you see, if you just give it some time, baseball will get injected with some good old-fashioned violence and blood-shed that the American people are begging and literally dying for and will become a beloved sport yet again.